Tuesday, October 7, 2008

CRISTY FERMIN VS. NADIA MONTENEGRO

I received this e-mail twice at napanood ko rin ito kagabi sa TV Patrol. Gusto ko lang i-share sa mga hindi nakapanood.


After a fiery interview of Nadia Montenegro with Boy Abunda last September 28 at The Buzz where she specifically aired her anguish on Rose Flaminiano (Gabby Concepcion's estranged Manager) and TV-radio host-showbiz columnist Cristy Fermin, The Buzz, last October 5, allocated necesary airtime on Cristy Fermin to answer blow-by-blow all the accusations made againts her by Nadia Montenegro.
Here is the complete interview of Cristy Fermin with Boy Abunda:

"I LOST A VERY GOOD FRIEND."


Nadia Montenegro
: "Seven months ago Tito Boy you know I've lost a very good friend [Gretchen Berretto]. I lost her because of intrigues. I lost her because of Cristy Fermin, who until this day has not proven that text mes sage she told Gretchen that I sent to all these media, to all the reporters.

"Nagharap-harap kami sa Rembrandt [hotel] wala siyang napakita. Cristy Fermin, humingi ka ng oras kay Boy [Asistio], sa asawa ko, nakiusap ka kay Boy kung puwede mo akong solohin sa taas sa Rembrandt. Kahit ayoko nang makita ang pagmumukha mo, pinagbigyan kita!"


Cristy Fermin
: "Boy, base sa sinabi ni Nadia Montenegro mga kaibigan, tahasan ko pong sasabihin na sinungaling na siya ay inconsistent pa. Ilang buwan na ang nakararaan kung tawagan niya si Gretchen, inilarawan niyang masamang babae—user, exploiter at schemer. Ngayon sasabihin mo, 'I lost a good friend,' mali ‘yon Nadia. Unang-una, ‘yong sinasabi mo na kasangkot ako sa kaso ninyo ni Gretchen, wala akong alam diyan. Pumasok lamang ako sa sitwasyon nung nasukol ka na parang daga sa lungga at ako ang ituro mo na nagkakalat ng balita.

"Nadia, natatandaan mo pa ba ‘yong mga gabi ilampung buwan kong itinago ito sa puso ko. Hindi ko isinulat sa limang columns ko, hindi ko sinabi dito sa The Buzz, hindi ko sinabi sa DZMM. Nadia, kung natatandaan mo pa, maraming gabi mo akong binubulabog. Pinagdadala mo ako ng camera sa Essensa [condominium in Taguig City] alas-otso ng gabi, alas otso ng umaga, lipstick, camera ang pinadadala mo sa akin. Ang sabi mo i-connive ko kuntsabahin ko ‘yong guwardiya ng Essensa sa basement dahil doon bumababa si Gretchen.

"Tanungin nating pareho si Gretchen Barretto kung mula na ng sabihin mo sa akin ‘yon ay ipinagkanulo kita kay Gretchen. Ako'y pumasok lamang sa sitwasyon nung ako na ang idinidiin mo doon sa sinasabi mo na you've lost a good friend. Totoo, nawalan ka ng isang mabuting kaibigan.

"Nung nagkita-kita tayo sa Friday's at Rembrandt, hinawakan ni Gretchen Barretto ang kamay ni dating mayor Boy Asistio. Ang tanong ni Gretchen, ‘Mayor, ano pa po ba ang dapat kong gawin at ibigay kay Nadia para huwag na niya akong traydorin?' Anong sabi ni Tito Boy? ‘Hindi ko alam. Matagal ko na siyang pinagsasabihan na lumayo sa ganitong mga isyu, hindi na siya nakikinig.'

"‘Yong sinasabi mo na ayaw mong makita ang aking pagmumukha nung gabing ‘yon, Nadia, mas kailangan mo ako nung gabing ‘yon kesa sa kailangan kita. Si Tanya Montenegro na kapatid mo ang kumuha sa akin para dalhin ako sa mezzanine floor kung saan ka naroon. Nakita kitang umiiyak, nandoon si Tanya, nandoon si Christine Puno, at pinangaralan kita kahit na ipinagkanulo mo ako, umiral pa rin ang pagiging pusong ina ko.

"Anong sabi ko sa ‘yo? ‘Kulang ang isang katawan mo, ang isang bibig mo para sa anim na anak mo at kay Tito Boy.' Umiyak ka nang umiyak sa ‘kin, ‘Sorry, nanay, sorry, nanay.' At 'yon ang panahon na nagpadala ka dito ng apology letter sa The Buzz na binasa ni Boy. Ngayon, sasabihin mo na ako ang may kasalanan?

"Si Gretchen, maraming salamat sa paninindigan dahil sinabi ni Gretchen na wala akong kinalaman sa kanilang away. Ninety million, anong sabi mo sa akin? ‘She made me a slave for four years.' P900-million ang sangkot dito. Hindi P9,000, hindi P90,000. P90-million pesos! May bahay kayong nakasangla sa bangko ni Mr. Tonyboy Cojuangco, ginawa ni Gretchen ang lahat ng paraan para makatira pa kayo ng apat na taon. Anong sabi ni Gretchen kay Tito Boy? ‘Mayor, masama pa po ba akong kaibigan? Apat na taon pa kayo na nagkaroon ng ektensyon para makatira sa pakikipaglaban ko.'

"Anong sabi mo sa akin? ‘Pinababa ni Mr. Tonyboy Cojuangco si Gretchen. Pinalayas, walang natirang anuman sa katawan kundi ang dala lang niya. Ano'ng nagawa niya sa kanyang mga bags, sa kanyang mga alahas? Wala.' Ikaw ang nagkalat sa iba't ibang bibig. Nung nasukol ka na, ako ang iyong idiniin."

"WALA KAMING LABAN"


Nadia Montenegro
: "Naeskandalo ako. Ako ang 'pinakamasamang tao', 'pinakamasamang kaibigan sa balat ng buong mundo', pero never akong lumabas. Hindi ko napagtanggol ang sarili ko. Kasi sabi nila, hindi titigil si Cristy Fermin. Tito Boy, hindi siya tumigil. May mga artistang hindi makapaglaban, wala kaming laban, Tito Boy. May mikropono siya, may makinilya siya, may ballpen siya. Tito Boy, pinapakain niya sa pamilya niya ‘yong sinasabi niyang hanapbuhay sa paninirang-puri. Ilang artista, Tito Boy, ang hindi makapaglaban. Walang mawawala sa akin, wala na ako sa showbiz, Tito Boy. Wala akong show, wala akong pelikula. Hindi ko kailangan mag-comeback. Wala."

Cristy Fermin
: "Boy, ‘yong sinabi niya na hindi siya lumalabas, talagang hindi lumalabas ang mga traydor, patalikod kung bumira ang mga traydor. Pangalawa, ang sabi mo [Nadia], ang pinakakain ko sa pamilya ko ay ang paninira ko ng mga artista. Nadia, basahin mo ang mga columns ko, marami akong pinupuri na artista na hindi ko kakilala at hindi ko ka-close. Marami rin akong kakilala na kalapit ko na artista na pinipitik ko ‘pag nagkakamali. Huwag kang mag-imbento ng scenario na hindi mo kayang panindigan, ‘yon lang."

"HINDI NAKAKAPATAY ANG SALITA."


Nadia Montenegro
: "'Yong sinasabi niya na bawang ako, sawsawan, suka... Lahat na, Tito Boy, tinawag na niya akong baboy, gago, sinungaling... Tito Boy, lahat tinawag na niya sa akin. Pero ‘yong tinira na niya si Boy na asawa ko, na nananihimik... Sinabi ni Cristy, may article siya na hindi nakakapatay ang salita. Tito Boy, wala na si Tito Rollie [Concepcion, Gabby Concepcion's father]. Hihintayin ko bang mangyari sa nanay ko at sa asawa ko ‘yon?

"May nanay din siyang [Cristy] nakaratay ngayon, Tito Boy. Hindi ba dapat pag-aksayahan niya na lang ng panahon, ipagdasal niya nanay niya kesa siraan niya lahat ng tao dito? Sobra na, Tito Boy, e! Sobra na siya! Wala akong matandaan na ginawa sa kanya, wala! Siguro wala lang siyang napapakinabangan sa akin dahil hindi ako magbabayad para purihin mo lang ako!"


Cristy Fermin< /I>
: "'Yong sinabi niya na asikasuhin ko ang nanay ko, ipagdadasal ko ‘yon ang linya, isa sa dalawang linya, 'tsaka ‘yong wala akong budhi, tsaka ‘yong pagsaling niya sa nanay ko, sa pinakamainit na kumot na binalabal ko sa malamig na Canada, Boy, ang nanay ko ay nabubuhay na lamang sa extensyon ng dasal naming magkakapatid ngayon. May batas akong sinusulat sa aking puso at bawat anak siguro ay ganun din. Salingin na ang lahat sa ‘tin, galawin na ang lahat sa ‘tin, suntukin na tayo mula ulo hanggang paa, saktan na tayo, [pero] huwag mong gagalawin ang nanay ko na 97 years old na.

"'Yong sinasabi mong magbabayad ka para puruhin kita, Nadia, balikan mo nga mula nung 14 Going Steady days, ni-launch ka ng Regal. Mula nung panahon na ‘yon hanggang ngayon na nagsasalita ako sa mikropono, pakialala n'yo nga mga magkakapatid kung nagbayad kayo sa ‘kin kahit singkong duling? Kapag pinupuri ko ba kayo, marunong kayong magpasalamat? Si Tanya, marunong magpasalamat. Ikaw [Nadia] ang sini-single out ko, marunong ka bang magpasalamat kapag pinupuri ka? Naaalala mo lang ako kapag pinipitik kita.

"At hindi bayaran ang babaeng tinutukoy mo. Kung meron kang kilala na kolumnista na pilay ang prinsipyo, kung meron kang kilalang artistang nababayaran ng panulat, reporter, hindi ako ang tinutukoy mo. Nadia, publikasyon ang nagbabayad sa akin, hindi artista!"

"YOU HAVE NO CREDIBILITY ANYMORE."


Nadia Montenegro
: "I ha ve to remind Cristy Fermin, you are convicted for libel. You have no credibility no more. I do not know but I have to say this and I have to fight for what I believe in. After nito, sisiraan niya pa rin ako siguro dahil wala nang budhi si Cristy Fermin!"

Cristy Fermin

: "Tungkol doon sa kasong libelo, si Tito Eddie [Gutierrez] nga, si Tita Annabelle [Rama], at si Ruffa [Gutierrez] na direktang kasangkot hindi nagsasalita tungkol doon. Umandar na naman ang pagiging bawang ni Nadia Montenegro. Na-miss ko 'yon kanina, hindi ko siya tinatawag na suka. ‘Yong g-a-g-o, hindi ko ginagamit sa column ko ‘yon, hindi talaga.

"Ang paninindigan ko lang, Nadia, ‘yong tinawag kitang bawang kasi sa lahat naman ng gulo sa showbiz, talagang kasali ka. Lagi kang umeeksena, lagi kang spokesperson. ‘Yong baboy ka, hindi sa akin nanggaling ‘yon. ‘Yong 'Lilet' read ‘liletsunin,' hindi sa ‘kin galing ‘yon. Sa mga dating kaibigan mo na tinraydor mo. Pero bago na ang pangalan mo ngayon; ‘Ina' ka na, ‘inahin' ka na ngayon.

"Boy, ‘yong sinabi mo na pinakahuling sinabi niya ay ako daw ay walang budhi, Boy, kapag sinabi mo kasing walang budhi ang tao, pinatay mo na siya, e. Ginawa mo na siyang kriminal, ginawa ka na niyang buhay na patay. ‘Yong kredibilidad, ilang beses nang sinubok ng panahon ang aking kredibilidad at ako'y natutuwa naman dahil ang publiko hanggang ngayon ay naniniwala sa aking mga sinasa bi at sinusulat. Sinong walang kredibilidad sa sa ‘ting dalawa? Ikaw na nagsasalita nang patalikod, pero ‘pag nasusukol nagtuturo ka ng ibang tao para maghugas-kamay ka.

"Pangalawa, ‘yong sinabi mo na wala akong budhi, Nadia, makinig ka ngayon. Boy, apat ang aking anak na galing sa aking sinapupunan. May dalawa akong anak na hinugot sa puso ko, hindi galing sa sinapupunan ko. ‘Yong apat na anak ko at dalawa na ipinanganak ng kanilang mga magulang at dinugtungan ang buhay, itinuturing ko rin na parang anak.

"Nadia, mahigit dalawang taon na ang nakararaan, nagdalang-tao ka na hindi alam ng karelasyon mo, hindi alam ng pamilya mo. Nagpunta ka sa isang ospital na matatagpuan sa pagitan ng Mandaluyong at Pasig. Pumasok ka ng alas-dose ng hatinggabi, inoperahan ka kinaumagahan, nagsilang ka ng sanggol na babae, nagtago ka sa pangalang Nadine Villegas. Nadia, umuwi ka ng bahay, hindi mo dinala ang sanggol, pinaalagaan mo sa isang kaibigan mong aktres na kilala natin pareho, kilala ng publiko ng ilang buwan. Pagkatapos ng ilang buwan, pinadala mo ang bata sa inyong tahanan ipinakilala mo sa karelasyon mo at sa iyong mga anak bilang ampon mo.

"Nadia, sino sa atin ngayon ang walang budhi? Ako na nagmahal at nagkaroon ng ekstensyon at oportunidad na magmahal ng dalawang bata na hindi ko dugo, o ikaw na hinugot sa sinapupunan mo ang isang sanggol pero hindi mo binigyan ng pangalan? Manalamin tayo nang sabay ngayon."

"IBUBULGAR KO ANG LAHAT."
< br> Nadia Montenegro: "Kay Cristy Fermin, pumunta ako dito dahil alam kong wala nang mawawala sa akin. For seven months, tinira mo ako. Hindi ko na aantayin na maging isang mayor JV Ejercito, maging isang Piolo [Pascual] na tinira mo ng ilang taon. Lahat, lahat halos ng artista dito hindi makakibo, hindi makalaban. Pero ako, walang mawawala sa akin. Sana pagtapos nito, itigil mo na. Isang beses pa akong makarinig na sinisiraan ninyo ako, ibubulgar ko ang lahat! At Cristy, hindi namumundok ang asawa ko at kung mamundok man siya dahil kanya ang bundok."


Cristy Fermin
: "Hindi marunong umunawa si Nadia kasi ng isang panulat o baka hindi niya nabasa ang column ko. Wala akong sinabing namundok si Tito Boy. Ang sinabi ko, laging sa farm sa Bicol si Tito Boy dahil hindi naaasikaso ni Nadia at hindi niya pinakikinggan ang mga pangaral. Wala akong sinabing namundok si Tito Boy. Nadia, ang libro ng buhay ko ay lantad sa publiko. Lahat ng pahina inilalabas ko. Hindi ako ‘yong klase ng tao na namimili lamang ng mga pahinang magaganda para ipabasa sa publiko. Ibalik mo sa akin ‘yong basurang sinasabi mo at tiyak na babalik sa mukha mo."

And what is Cristy's parting words for Nadia? "Gusto kong humingi ng pang-unawa at pasensiya kay Mayor Boy Asistio. Mayor, itinulak po ak o sa pader ni Nadia. Iniwan po ako niya na walang pamimilian kung hindi ang sumuntok pabalik sa kanya. Umalis po ako ng bansa, sinamantala niya ang pananahimik ko sa Canada. At sino mang nagsasalita nang patalikod, traydor! Mayor, di ko mamatamisin na gawin kayong tau-tauhan ng sarili ninyong kasama sa bahay. Ayoko pong maglubalob sa kasinungalingan si Nadia para paniwalain ang kanyang mga kaibigan, kayo mismo at ang inyong mga anak sa isang kasinungalingan.

"Nadia, tumaas ang BP [blood pressure] ng mommy mo sa Amerika dahil sa kagagawan mo at hindi dahil sa akin. Baka nga hindi mo pa alam, itinatakbo pa lang sa ospital at nagpapa-BP ang mommy mo, alam ko na. Ang pakiusap niya sa iyo, 'Huwag na huwag mong bibirahin ang Nanay Cristy mo dahil hindi natin kayang bayaran ang utang na loob natin sa kanya. Pero hindi mo siya pinakinggan."

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Before and After Marriage....

Before marriage....

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!


After marriage....

Simply read from bottom to top

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Beauty Pageant Boo Boos


> Host: What was the very first gift that you gave to your girlfriend?
> Male Contestant: Uhmm… taptoy.
> Host: What taptoy?
> Male Contestant: Taptoy na teddy bird.
>
>
——————————————————————————–
>
> Host: What’s your ideal age for marriage?
> Girl: Uhmm… I am not sure…
> Host: Hindi… Kunwari ikaw, more or less…?
> Girl: Uhmm… more. > (crowd booing…)
> Sige, Sige… Less, less….
> >
——————————————————————————–
>
> Host: If you had a foreigner friend, where will
> you bring him to showcase the beauty of the Philippines?
> Girl Contestant: Bocaue.
> Host: Bocaue…? Why Bocaue?
> Girl: Because it’s a magnificent place.
> Host: Which part of Bocaue?
> Girl: The Bocaue Rice Terraces.
> (Banawe kaya ‘yon!)
>
>
——————————————————————————–
>
> Host: Who’s your favorite author?
> Contestant: Danielle Steele.
> Host: Why Danielle Steele?
> Contestant: Because… because Danielle Steele,
> I like best. Thank you.
>
>
——————————————————————————–
>
> Host: How would you like me to address you?
> Contestant: My address is Project 8, Quezon
> City.
>
>
——————————————————————————–
>
> Host: What is your best feature?
> Contestant: My graduation feature.
>
>
——————————————————————————–
>
> Host: So tell us, why did you join this contest?
> Contestant: Me? Join this contest? Why did I…
> That’s all. Thank you!
>
>
——————————————————————————–
>
> Host: What do you want to be after you graduate?
> Contestant: I want to be a successful Medicine.
>
>
——————————————————————————–
>
> Host: Hindi ito boob… hindi ito tube… Pero
> tinatawag itong boobtube. Ano ito?
> Contestant: BRA!
>
>
——————————————————————————–
>
> Host: What would you like to say to foreigners?
> Contestant: Please come back.
>
>
——————————————————————————–
>
> Host: What is your typical day?
> Contestant: I think Saturday po!
>
>
——————————————————————————–
>
> (Gay Contest)
>
> Host: Ano ang advantage mo sa ibang contestant?
> Gay Contestant: I think and believe na bilang
> isang bading… (pause)
> ….Ano nga po ulit
> yung question?
>
>
——————————————————————————–
>
> Host: Which part of your body is your best
> asset?
> Contestant: (believe it or not she answered)
> …Si Melanie Marquez po!
>
>
——————————————————————————–
>
> Host: What is your favorite motto?
> Contestant: (after a long pause) I don’t have a
> motto eh.
> (so the crowd starts helping her out. the crowd
> started saying, “Time is gold! Time is gold!”)
> Contestant: I have na po. Chinese gold!
>
>
——————————————————————————–
>
> Host: If you were to describe the color blue to
> a blind person, how would you do it?
> Contestant: That’s a very good question. Keep
> it up. (then the girl turns and walks away.)
> >
——————————————————————————–
>
> Host: Who is your favorite fictional character?
> Girl: JOSE RIZAL! (crowd starts laughing.)
> Host: Who is your favorite hero then?
> Girl: Hulk Hogan.
>
>
——————————————————————————–
>
> Host: If you were to become a superhero, what
> would your power be?
> Girl Contestant: Uhmm… bumble bee!
>
>
——————————————————————————–
>
> Host: What is your edge over the other
> contestants?
> Girl Contestant: My edge is 23 years old.
>
>
——————————————————————————–
>
> Host: What, in your opinion, is the ideal age
> for marriage?
> Girl: Between 24 and 25!
>
>
——————————————————————————–
>
> Host: How do you see yourself 10 years from now?
>
> Girl: I’ll be 28.
>
>
——————————————————————————–
>
> Host: Describe your special someone in three
> words.
> Girl: Kahit nga po 1 word, kaya ko.
> Host: Ok, sige…
> Girl: In one word… MY LIFE!
>
>
——————————————————————————–
>
> Host: If you were given any special power, what
> would it be?
> Girl: Power of Attorney!
>
>
——————————————————————————–
>
> Host: So you like reading, who’s your favorite
> author?
> Girl: Uhmm, Shakespeare.
> Host: What works of Shakespeare?
> Girl: Hindi ko po alam eh.
> Host: But he’s your favorite…?
> Girl: Eh… kasi patay na sya eh.
>
>
——————————————————————————–
>
> Host: What is the biggest problem facing the
> youth today? Girl: Drugs.
> Host: Why?
> Girl: Mahal eh!
>
>
——————————————————————————–
>
> Host: Hey, I heard you almost didn’t make it,
> how did you get here? Did you ride or did you walk?
>
> Gay Contestant: Of course, did you ride. What
> do you think of me, did you walk?
> _________________________________________________
> (Little Miss Philippines)
> Host: Ano’ng gusto mo maging pag-laki mo?
> Girl: Maging lalaki po!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Depends on how you spell it...

The person who came up with these would be a killer Scrabble opponent.

DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
!
When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE
:
When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER


Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).

Saturday, September 6, 2008

SCIENCE EXAM

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers.
Some of them are hysterical.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Friday, September 5, 2008

New Rules of Speech

Due To the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You Must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.


And Furthermore...


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a
"BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a
"BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not
"EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a
"DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She does not
"NAG" you - She becomes " VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a
"TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a
" LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a
"BEER GUT" - He has developed a
"LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not
" GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a
"TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

Thursday, September 4, 2008

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical
(SL)
.

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.


SM:
Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL:
It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM:
Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL:
The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM:
It's not working.

SL:
Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM
: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL:
The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow
Sister Logical
S
ister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical
.

Then
Sister Logical arrives.


SM:
Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!


SL
: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM
: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL
: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM
: And?

SL
: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM
: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL
: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM
: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL
: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM:
Oh, no! What happened then?

SL
: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Bathroom


This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down in the bathroom when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:


"Hi, how are you?"


I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,


"Doin' just fine!"


And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"


What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:


"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"


At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.


"Can I come over?"


OK, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them ,


"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"


Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions."

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

HOW TO CONTROL EMOTIONS

This would give you guides on how to control your emotions towards your better-half, friends, officemates and all the people around you,
especially your "boss ". The rules of practicing " ugaling langit, ugaling
kaaya-aya" :

#1
Ang naunang magalit ang may karapatang magalit. Pag naunahan ka
na ng galit niya, tumahimik ka na lang muna.

#2
Walang taong nag-aaway mag-isa. Pag hindi kayo sumagot o pumatol,
titigil din daw ang taong nakikipag- away sa inyo.

#3
Ang taong galit, 'bingi.' If someone is angry, wala raw pinakikinggan, so,
don't try to explain and fight back. Hindi ka niya iintindihin dahil wala siyang
naririnig kundi ang sarili nya.

#4
Ang taong galit, 'abnoy.' Ayon sa pastor, Biblical daw ito? because the
Lord said when He was crucified, "Father, patawarin mo sila dahil hindi nila
alam ang kanilang ginagawa." Modern term for these kinds of people are abnoys, so you better not get angry para huwag kang matawag na abnoy. You should also know and realize that the persons who make your day bad are jewel, because you need them for you to mature. Hangga't andyan daw sila at kinaiinisan mo, ibig sabihin, immature ka pa. God will not take away those people; it's for you to take away your bad feelings towards them. You'll know na mature ka na pag dumating 'yung time na hindi ka na naiinis sa mga taong ito because you have learned to accept them and to have patience with them.

#5
Finally, the best part of this is to tell yourself na, because of this
person, "I will grow mature," and that
DAHIL SA CONTRIBUTION
NIYA SA MATURITY MO, KUKUNIN DIN SYA NI LORD

Old Farts

A Fart it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

Farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Old farts like you!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Depends on how you spell it...

The person who came up with these would be a killer Scrabble opponent.


DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM



PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER



ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER



DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT




THE EYES:
!
When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE




GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE




THE MORSE CODE
:
When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS




SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME




ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY




ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT




SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S




A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE




THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE




ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE




AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER


Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoy it?








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Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?



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If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?












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If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?



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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?



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If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?





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Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'



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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?




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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?



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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? Now I think this is a good idea!!!!

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Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?








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If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?




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Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?





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As income tax time approaches, did you e ver notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells

'THEIRS'?